I HAVE CAPS LOCK-WORTHY NEWS.

Kevin has a new roommate, and it isn’t his imaginary T-Rex named Bart who eats me in my sleep for not providing a sufficient amount of canned food.

Nay, this roommate is much more terrifying: IT’S A PUPPY!!

Lately, I have been experiencing new homeowner-type problems. My kitchen flooded, I broke the sink, there are STUPID ANTS EVERYWHERE, the grade-A buttholes at the water company shut my water off for no reason, my home owner’s association didn’t accept my excuse that the weed display in my front yard is “art,” etc. However, the most disturbing of all problems is Gus. This is Gus. Gus is a cat. Gus must be stopped.

Kevin must have homeschooler syndrome because he refuses to play nice with the other kids, i.e. unfamiliar cats. Look, normally I’d call him a pussy(CAT) and shove him into social situations with a bulldozer if needbe, but I’m on his side with this one. Gus is an unfamiliar cat, sure, but he’s been coming into OUR BACKYARD uninvited and CHASING KEVIN around the yard which is HILARIOUS but sort of not okay. Who knows, that cat might have SARS. I can’t let Kevin associate with this kind of trespassing neighborhood riffraff.

There was only one solution: Cover the backyard walls with barbed wire and plant land mines. Plan a nightly stakeout on the roof with a paintball gun and wait.

OR ……get a dog.

 

 

Riley has been carefully selected as K9 Home Protection Unit 622. Observe her in the video below, where she demonstrates her ruthless attack strategies and lust for blood.

 

 

She is a COLD-BLOODED KILLER.

 

 

Also, she likes to watch Friends. Hates Ross.

 

 

But most of all, she’s just amazing. Probably the cutest living thing in the universe, and she’s already house broken. …Mostly. Sort of. She has her moments.