Lisa’s Whimsical Guide to Vegas (Because I Live Here)
Volume 1: Buffets and Brit Brit
Today on Lisa’s Whimsical Guide, I will grasp your calloused hand in mine and lead you through the skanky hooker card-littered streets, or I guess “street,” of Las Vegas, NV, the “What the hell happened to my cell phone?” capital of the world.
Why are your hands calloused? I assume because you are a sexy misunderstood musician who just stepped off the plane at McCarran Airport looking to start anew as a sidewalk performer who, I don’t know, plays wind instruments with your butt. I lean in close, sweep your long, dirty hair away from your ear and softly whisper, “Let’s go see Burtney.”
BRITNEY SPEARS: SHE WANTS A PIECE OF YOU
Axis Theater at Planet Hollywood
Okay, here’s the deal. Britney Spears is an easy target. She’s the go-to celebrity name when the Jeopardy answer is, “This formerly bald blonde pop star has been known to wield umbrellas like Highlander swords and successfully escaped from serial baby daddy and walking STD, Kevin Federline.” But you’d be wrong. That’s NOT Britney. It’s James Franco. Wait, no, actually it is Britney. But that’s not important. What’s important is that you read that quote in Alex Trebek’s voice.
I’ve met Britney several times (totally borrowed her hair dryer once, true story), due to her sister, Jamie Lynn, being my fellow cast member on All That for two years. I will say this: the Spears are AWESOME people. Their mom, Lynn, might be the coolest lady in America, except she introduced me to sweet tea with her home recipe straight out of Louisiana, and I’m pretty sure I contracted type 6 diabetes on the spot. Type 6 is when you transform into a big sugar cube and then when it rains you just melt into a storm drain and your loved ones never hear from you again. But the ocean’s just a little bit sweeter…
Britney’s Vegas show “Piece of Me” is everything you want from a Britney Spears show, minus a Madonna make-out session. Just kidding, no one wants that. While the Celine Dion show at Caesar’s Palace has a little bit of something for everyone, even those who are unsure about Canadians, the Britney show is for BRITNEY FANS ONLY. MEGA BRITNEY FANS. If you are lukewarm on Burtney, this show is not for you. Don’t go. No one wants you there.
At one point during the show, Britney wears a pair of two-story tall angel wings and floats toward the ceiling like a Victoria’s Secret model stuck on a forklift. In any other show, that would be the best part. But nay. The for-reals best part was her nod to video game nerds, when she performed “Toxic” in an obvious reenactment of the Poison Ivy battle in Batman: Arkham Asylum. Bet you had no idea Burt Burt was a 1337 gam3r girl. Probably why there’s a sign at her box office that says “no tix 4 filthy casuals.”
IN CON-CLOO-SHUN, if insane set pieces, elaborate costumes, a crowd made up of mostly 30-year-old drunken women, and the live presence of THE one and only Burtneh Spurs gets your Jetta revvin’, then by all means, head down to Planet Hollywood and dance until you no longer need to throw up that Yard Margarita.
Worth-It Scale: 9 out of 10 (For Britney Fans) 3 out of 10 (For Non-Britney Fans)
BUFFETS: THE RILLEST GAMBLE IN VEGAS
Iggy told me it’s not “realest,” it’s “rillest.”
Are you hungry? Are you so hungry that you would like to construct a half-scale Mt. Everest made of 70+ types of food on a wet plate while elbowing strangers in the neck in a reverse Hunger Games scenario? Then the buffet is for you!
I had never been to a buffet until last night. Like a real a-hole, I tend to eat my meals one genre at a time. Spaghetti on Monday, tacos on Tuesday for Taco Tuesday of course, Chinese on Wednesday, etc. BUT THAT’S NOT HOW WE DO IN VEGAS. NOT HOW WE DO. THIS IS HOW WE DO:
- Step 1: Locate the BUFFET at your casino resort. Tip: If the air around you begins to smell like a whirlwind of magical flavors, as if someone’s baking Ham & Bleu Cheese Cupcakes with Sriracha-Horseradish Filling, you are getting close.
- Step 2: Wait in a super insanely long line with 300 other ravenously hungry people who, in preparation of this moment, have been wandering around the Vegas desert for 40 years with Moses. Moses, however, has peaced out and gone to White Castle.
- Step 3: Once you have paid for your forthcoming feast, you must perfect “The Glare.” The Glare is when you zero in on a happy family already in the dining area with the exact number of people that are in your family/party, and then Glare at them until they leave. Note: YOU CANNOT ENTER THE WONDEROUS BUFFET LINE UNTIL YOU HAVE A SEAT. Oh, is your family of four done eating and still hogging a perfectly good table by sitting around discussing how Ant-Man was great but could have used less exposition at the beginning? TAKE YOUR CRAP AND GET OUT.
- Step 4: The moment has arrived: The velvet rope has been lifted and you are sprinting toward the grub. You will likely begin to power-walk back and forth from each food station trying to decide what to eat until all of your brain’s neurotransmitters stop firing and you crumble into the fetal position in a puddle of freshly spilled gravy. THAT’S NOT GOOD. Calm down. Take it all in. You can have some of everything. That’s the beauty. The beauty of the BUFFET.
- Step 5: See how many countries you can fit on Plate 1. Look at my picture up there. Look how international my plate is. I basically toured the whole freakin’ globe in one sitting.
- Step 6: Go back for Plate 2. Don’t worry about the leftovers on Plate 1 – the Plate Fairies will come by and remove it while you’re loading up Plate 2! They will probably donate it to hungry orphaned baby sea otters.
- Step 7: Go back for dessert.
- Step 8: HATE YOURSELF AND REGRET EVERYTHING.
So, as you can see, the buffet is really the best gamble in Vegas: You give them around $30 to $50 dollars, and you’re betting that you can eat MORE than that worth of food. It’s actually a pretty entertaining method of consuming sustenance and an excellent way to totally confuse your digestive system. Usually I accomplish that with a steady diet of pizza Lunchables and microwave quesadillas, but it’s certainly not as fun as truly earning it by taking out an old lady before she beats you to the fresh mac & cheese. “NOT TODAY, AGNES.”
Worth-It Scale: 6 out of 10