All I can say is buckle your metaphorical seatbelts, People of Earth, because you might just get launched into the blackness of space by the propelling force of your mind exploding as I take you on weekly journeys, probably on Tuesdays, maybe Wednesdays, no Tuesdays, that will tilt your moral compass and make you question everything you ever believed in, even all the science.

Do you like tidbits? You’ll get those. Did you know that David Spade is actually the brother of Andy Spade, who is married to Kate Spade, who is the Kate Spade from the multi-million dollar handbag company meaning David is basically the broke one of the Spade family? Boom. That’s the first one. Heard that on Howard Stern the other day. And now I liaisoned it to you. And that’s a word I just made up. Boom.

As you can see, this place you’ve wandered into has all the familiar symptoms of being a normal website, and that’s because it is one, and it’s mine. My website. I’ve redesigned it about eight assmillion times throughout my life, but by George, I think this one’s going to stick. You are George in this scenario.

It’s got stupid pictures and dumb videos, and I’ll add more dumb videos, and lots of info about me and, of course, it’s got a blog. So. Guess that’s a thing I have to do now.

LISA FOILES WEBSITE CODE OF ETHICZ: I’ll try to keep it PG-ish around here, for the kids. Also, there won’t be any commenting because anything you have to say to me can be said in the public forum of Twitter, where I can sic my band of loyal and bloodthirsty fans on you if you’re being a real jerk. Though, my fans have been known to enjoy themselves a nice pint on the regular, or six, and they are easily distracted by shiny things and squirrels and video games and—holy crap I just found a malted milk ball from Easter in between my couch cushions. Hellllll yes.

So, sit back, relax, shut up, get back up, grab a drink, sit back down, and enjoy my website and my dumb blogs. If you’ve been a fan for a while, I freakin’ love you and thanks for continuing to hang out with me. If you don’t know me, I’m now that girl you read about online who ate 4-month-old couch chocolate and maybe that’s not even what that was.


P.S. Yes, Kevin will be making regular appearances, so stop asking. He’s getting super pompous about the whole thing and it’s really starting to cheese me off.