I HAVE CAPS LOCK-WORTHY NEWS.

Kevin has a new roommate, and it isn’t his imaginary T-Rex named Bart who eats me in my sleep for not providing a sufficient amount of canned food.

Nay, this roommate is much more terrifying: IT’S A PUPPY!!

Lately, I have been experiencing new homeowner-type problems. My kitchen flooded, I broke the sink, there are STUPID ANTS EVERYWHERE, the grade-A buttholes at the water company shut my water off for no reason, my home owner’s association didn’t accept my excuse that the weed display in my front yard is “art,” etc. However, the most disturbing of all problems is Gus. This is Gus. Gus is a cat. Gus must be stopped.

Kevin must have homeschooler syndrome because he refuses to play nice with the other kids, i.e. unfamiliar cats. Look, normally I’d call him a pussy(CAT) and shove him into social situations with a bulldozer if needbe, but I’m on his side with this one. Gus is an unfamiliar cat, sure, but he’s been coming into OUR BACKYARD uninvited and CHASING KEVIN around the yard which is HILARIOUS but sort of not okay. Who knows, that cat might have SARS. I can’t let Kevin associate with this kind of trespassing neighborhood riffraff.

There was only one solution: Cover the backyard walls with barbed wire and plant land mines. Plan a nightly stakeout on the roof with a paintball gun and wait.

OR ……get a dog.

 

 

Riley has been carefully selected as K9 Home Protection Unit 622. Observe her in the video below, where she demonstrates her ruthless attack strategies and lust for blood.

 

 

She is a COLD-BLOODED KILLER.

 

 

Also, she likes to watch Friends. Hates Ross.

 

 

But most of all, she’s just amazing. Probably the cutest living thing in the universe, and she’s already house broken. …Mostly. Sort of. She has her moments.

 

 

Audio is stupid and I hate it and WHY is it so important that we HEAR things? Sign language and interpretive dance are perfectly respectable ways to communicate, and frankly it would be nice if everyone shut up for a while. ESPECIALLY me. I should just shut up. Because then I wouldn’t be in need of microphones, better known as Satan’s Rods of Dickscrewery.

That relentless trick Procrastination has had me in her grasp for 6 months, which is how long I’ve been wanting to fix up my studio and upgrade my ‘quipment. That may seem like a long time, but for lazy people, 6 months is the equivalent of a half a day. YOU CAN’T RUSH ART.

But I’ve finally kicked my ass into gear. As you know, I painted a wall in my studio last week, intended as a backdrop for creating videos. Also, for cat photoshoots.

 

 

Stupid Kevin.

I also bought a fancy new camera and I PLANNED on recording a video for you awesome sexy people yesterday. Instead, I ended up doing so many tests to make my audio not sound like I was in a giant tin can full of hissing cockroaches that I DID NOT make a video.

THIS IS NOT A REAL VIDEO.

THIS IS A TEST-VIDEO VIDEO.

 

 

Actually, through my computer speakers, it sounds good. With studio headphones on, it still isn’t PERFECT, but if you guys tell me it sounds okay then I’ll put down the tequila and carry on with my videos. YOU BE THE JUDGE.

Direct all your thoughts, feelings, and deep insight here. Also, pictures of your cat, if you have those. ——> @LisaFoiles

All I can say is buckle your metaphorical seatbelts, People of Earth, because you might just get launched into the blackness of space by the propelling force of your mind exploding as I take you on weekly journeys, probably on Tuesdays, maybe Wednesdays, no Tuesdays, that will tilt your moral compass and make you question everything you ever believed in, even all the science.

Do you like tidbits? You’ll get those. Did you know that David Spade is actually the brother of Andy Spade, who is married to Kate Spade, who is the Kate Spade from the multi-million dollar handbag company meaning David is basically the broke one of the Spade family? Boom. That’s the first one. Heard that on Howard Stern the other day. And now I liaisoned it to you. And that’s a word I just made up. Boom.

As you can see, this place you’ve wandered into has all the familiar symptoms of being a normal website, and that’s because it is one, and it’s mine. My website. I’ve redesigned it about eight assmillion times throughout my life, but by George, I think this one’s going to stick. You are George in this scenario.

It’s got stupid pictures and dumb videos, and I’ll add more dumb videos, and lots of info about me and, of course, it’s got a blog. So. Guess that’s a thing I have to do now.

LISA FOILES WEBSITE CODE OF ETHICZ: I’ll try to keep it PG-ish around here, for the kids. Also, there won’t be any commenting because anything you have to say to me can be said in the public forum of Twitter, where I can sic my band of loyal and bloodthirsty fans on you if you’re being a real jerk. Though, my fans have been known to enjoy themselves a nice pint on the regular, or six, and they are easily distracted by shiny things and squirrels and video games and—holy crap I just found a malted milk ball from Easter in between my couch cushions. Hellllll yes.

So, sit back, relax, shut up, get back up, grab a drink, sit back down, and enjoy my website and my dumb blogs. If you’ve been a fan for a while, I freakin’ love you and thanks for continuing to hang out with me. If you don’t know me, I’m now that girl you read about online who ate 4-month-old couch chocolate and maybe that’s not even what that was.

Lisa-SigHeart

P.S. Yes, Kevin will be making regular appearances, so stop asking. He’s getting super pompous about the whole thing and it’s really starting to cheese me off.

 

LisaKevin-Party