Few people have the privilege and luxury of calling me their friend. These “chosen ones” as I call them are fully aware that I (a.) can only walk up stairs two steps at a time, (b.) know way too many intimate details about the Kurt Cobain MURDER case, and (c.) take no prisoners. That last one in particular. When I get my mind set on something, rabid wild testosterone-injected hounds couldn’t drag me away from it until I have completed it to my standards. This is why I can write a novel yet never clean the garage. I am not passionate about garage organization.
Sadly (or LUCKY) for my pal Steven, I fixated my Eye of Sauron on his car recently, because he went out of town and I thought it’d be fun to screw with him. AND IT WAS FUN. Until he discovered my prank almost immediately when he got home. Dammit, Steven!
So, as you will see in the video, I tried again. The second time was better. Definitely better.
That fantastic music you heard in the video is courtesy of Offset Season, the coolest most awesomely kickass band in the known galaxy. Visit their website and buy ALL OF THEIR MUSIC because it’s so so good. (And they are great guys, too.)
….Oh, and also you should save this GIF and use it whenever possible:
About a month or so ago, Ashley Eckstein and her amazing Her Universe brand teamed up with Hot Topic to ask girls to share their Star Wars story, using the hashtag #MyStarWarsStory. I thought about participating, as I do with most hashtags. Usually the hashtag is something stupid like #MovieTitlesWithTacoInTheName and I’ll instantly think “Ah, yes, how about The Man From T.A.C.O.” and “Mad Max: Taco Road” and “Revenge of the Tacos” (but that one has a pretty unappealing ending). I’ll chortle at my terrible answers in my head and then move on without ever typing a word. I only allow myself to be an idiot for 30 minutes a day and why waste that precious time on taco-related hashtags.
But “My Star Wars Story.” Hmm, now that sounded interesting. I love the Her Universe brand and selfishly assume Ashley created it solely for me, because of my past struggles trying to find nerd clothes in women’s sizes. I like to think my built-up frustration manifested itself into an otherworldly necro-spirit that invaded Ashley’s dreams one night saying “OoooOOOooOooOoohhh…maaAAakkee StaaAAArr WaAAAaars shirts for LIIIIIiiiiIIiiIiIIsssAaAaaaaa….” and then she did. That’s probably how it happened. I like to think ghosts do the majority of my bidding.
I figured a Star Wars story was a tale about how someone fell in love with the Star Wars franchise, but lately I’ve been feeling entirely OUT of love with it. In a full-on shoulder-bag-wearing, coffee-house-frequenting, Pearl-Jam-listening hipster way, I came to the conclusion that it was because I loved Star Wars back when mainstream humans didn’t give two craps about it, and now the entire WORLD is a Star Wars fan. I stew in my little hrumph cloud thinking “yeah pffh sure I bet they don’t even know what AT-AT stands for or what Boss Nass’s real name is or blah blah wah wah pfffffh.” *collapses from excessive pffh-ing*
How outrageously stupid is that? One of the reasons I got my first writing job in video games is because I went off in a blog post about how girls who know nothing about video games labeling themselves “gamer girls” is sickening, and how dare they pander and wear God of War tank tops when they couldn’t even last 5 minutes with Kratos. It’s astounding that I could even reach the keyboard from atop my sky-high horse.
Honestly, who CARES. Who even cares. I feel so damn embarrassed that I ever wrote that rubbish. Sure, it can be irritating when someone flippantly treads on a franchise you hold dear, but it deserves an eye roll and a shoulder shrug, not an Internet flame war. Let people love what they love. And I’m confident I will forget those words and totally contradict myself in the future, in which case, just link me back to this blog and I’ll promptly apologize.
Funny thing is, I told my Star Wars story, and realized none of what made me love Star Wars came from my fanatical knowledge of it. That was merely a bonus. It was because of my dad, and the memories I have of watching the six films with him. I found myself actually reminiscing about The Phantom Menace fondly. That would send any loyal Star Wars fan (and former me) to an early grave due to a rage seizure.
…But if you ask younger me, maybe it wasn’t so bad. Maybe the experience outweighs the film quality. What a concept. :D
I urge you to post your own story, using #MyStarWarsStory. Visit HerUniverse.com and follow my girl Ashley on Twitter @HerUniverse. It’s a great brand led by an incredible woman! I want to be more like her.
MERRY FRIGGIN’ CHRISTMAS, PEOPLE OF EARTH!
Good tidings to yooouuu, and all of your…cats…
This is probably the most obvious statement of 2015, but I never plan out my videos in advance. I pretty much wake up Monday or Tuesday morning and say, “Hmm, what kind of stupid thing do I want to do on the Internet this week.” And then I think of a thing, and then I do the thing. This week was fun though – I got to reflect on all the Christmas memories of my past with my awesome parents and TV-infused childhood.
Okay, wait, I don’t mean that I had a bad childhood where my parents just set me in front of the television while they went off to do their taxes and eat vegetables and be concerned about video game violence and all the basic stuff adults do. I mean that we had favorite TV shows and movies that brought us together.
Just how it’s not really my birthday until my dad plays “Stark Raving Dad” from The Simpsons, Season 3, which includes the “Happy Birthday, Lisa” song with Bart and fake Michael Jackson, it’s not really Christmas until we watch “Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire.” For some reason, watching that episode is so much more meaningful to me than any other kind of ‘togetherness’ crap we used to do.
In today’s video, which is, as always, hastily thrown together and questionable on the audio side, I share my favorite Christmas traditions with you guys, including my favorite movies, TV episodes, and video games. I hope you enjoy it and have the best dang holiday season a person could have, because you deserve it. I don’t even know you and you deserve it. Unless I do know you, in which case you probably don’t deserve it. Looking at you Scott and JD.
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM ME AND THE BIG KEV MAN!
Don’t you hate it when you look up a recipe on the Internet, but instead of jumping right into it and telling you in the very shortest way possible what the ingredients are and how to throw them together so you can get to the merry eating/drinking already, they go ON AND ON AND ON about how the recipe is special because their grandma made it on her death bed in World War II or something?
Anyway, this Apple Fritter Martini is special because my grandma likes vodka a lot, and this drink has vodka in it, and the fact that grandma and I have so much in common truly touches my heart. Also, it’s a GREAT beverage for autumn-winter-happenings because it tastes like an apple donut. An apple fritter, to be exact. HERE’S HOW TO DO THE THING:
Apple Fritter Martini
1 1/2 oz. 360 Glazed Apple Vodka
3 oz. apple juice
1 tsp. maple syrup
FOR THE GLASS:
Shake all the ingredients together with ice, strain it into a glass that you have rimmed with cinnamon and sugar. It’s that easy. This isn’t linear algebra, people.
OH YEAH, AND TOP IT WITH WHIPPED CREAM. OBVIOUSLY.
If you are STILL struggling with how to make this drink, or would enjoy watching ME struggle to make this drink, here is a helpful video.
Merry Christmas weeeee!
I always suspected that Hallmark was making up BS holidays to sell greeting cards. Arbor Day? No way is that shit real, and no way am I paying $5 for a card to send to my grandma to wish her a happy one of those. Just plant a tree and shut up about it. The Happy Arbor Day card is made out of PAPER USED FROM THE TREE YOU JUST PLANTED SO IT’S CIRCULAR REASONING AND ooohhhh it’s a self-sustaining holiday I totally get it now.
Arbor Day gets a pass but these children on Insta-ma-grammy-gramz with their fake holiday hashtags are getting completely out of control. Sparse holidays like Christmas and Easter just aren’t cuttin’ it in our instant gratification society apparently, so we must have a holiday for every day. Even if we have to make up absolutely stupid dumbass crap to make that happen. 365 holidays? Psssshhhhh no problem. We’ll get creative.
IN TODAY’S VIDYA, I demonstrate some of this creativity. I’ve made up several of my own days. I hope you join me in celebrating them. Come bearing gifts, pizza, and hashtags.
Here’s a link to the beautiful 1998 web design glory that is HolidayInsights.com. There, you can learn about all of the special days in November that were made up by the guy who runs HolidayInsights.com. People tell him to upgrade from Microsoft FrontPage, but he says nay. It looks good like this.
I’m pretty sure anyone can just make up any national/international holiday without any type of credentials or reasoning, so I will take it a step further and say that every other Thursday will be Kevin Day. No, wait. Every day is Kevin Day. You must present him with food and toys and rocks ’cause he likes those every day so that I never have to go to the store and spend money on him again. #KevinDay