AHOY! Trying that out as my new colloquial greeting. I feel like my life should be more nautical.
Traveling became a passion of mine once I realized how easy it is. I used to think going abroad meant a minimum of 7 hours of interrogation by the TSA, where they probe all of your orifices and grill you about every wrongdoing you’ve ever committed and probably frame you for a few you didn’t commit, and then tell you your passport is invalid, and your birth certificate is fake, you were never actually born, we’re sending you to pretend people prison and fining you $80,000.
And God help you if you DO get through security, because then you’re stuck in a middle seat between two John Candy’s for, ballpark, 43 hours with only peanut pack wrappers to sustain you before you land in your foreign country and are immediately captured and sold into sex trafficking.
This, absolutely shockingly, is not the case. Traveling to Europe is not much different than flying to New York – that is, if you are a law-abiding, innocent-looking redhead with a fanny pack and nothing more than a jaywalking ticket on your record. Yay for me!
London was my favorite place in the world, so I definitely wanted a city that was somewhat similar, but smaller and somewhere totally different. Glasgow, Scotland seemed neat! And let me tell you, it was neat.
I like experiencing cities as though I lived there. I like getting an Air B&B place instead of a hotel room, and I’d rather find local favorites and hidden spots than march around the city with a Clipboard o’ Fun hitting up every tourist spot in the country. I just find it more fun.
We hit up a great whisky bar called The Pot Still, a few highly recommended Indian food joints, the Drygate Brewery, Glengoyne scotch whisky distillery and the beautiful Glasgow Necropolis. That’s where they bury dead people! A lot of them! Like 50,000 dead people! That’s a lot of dead people.
Anyway, today’s video is about my Scotland trip and my thoughts on the great city of Glasgow! Check it out, and if you’re a big fan of Irn Bru, sorry in advance.
WHAT’S UP SEXY PEOPLE STRANDED ON INTERNET ISLAND.
I’ve come with your rescue vehicle! Imagine one of those desert cars from Mad Max but instead of a man dangling from the top playing electric guitar, it’s Kevin shooting used kitty litter out of a cannon and me screaming at him to stop blocking the windshield from the driver’s seat as we swerve so violently we nearly topple the Big Gulps.
In other words, here’s a thing to not make you bored for about 5 minutes! It’s a quick rundown of some super-cool stuff I’ve been into lately. Let me share it with you. Let me carefully cut a medium slice of Lisa pie and serve it to you on one of those fancy collectable dishes that your grandma displays on the wall so you can have a taste of my fruity life. Kiwi. Kiwi pie. My life is most like a kiwi probably.
You may have noticed that my website is dripping with blatant lies. “New Blogs Every Wednesday!” it proclaims. WHAT A LOAD OF HORSE CRAP you’ve mumbled to yourself, while finishing off a bag of Sour Patch Kids and clumsily spilling the excess sugar into your keyboard and realizing you’re out of compressed air but say screw it and click over to Reddit anyway. That’s how I picture all of you. Name-brand sour candy eaters. I am one of you.
The reason my website has been a little sad and lonely lately is because my WordPress theme decided to EXPLODE and send me all these terrifying error messages on the backend insisting I do a massive update to my theme, and thus likely overwriting a metric crap ton of customization I have done.
Like the true hero I am, I decided to ignore my problems instead of fixing them and hoped they’d just magically go away. Well they didn’t and I had to spend three days fixing things. LAME. But it seems to be back to normal now.
So look out for more blogs in the near future! :D
Like a vengeful girlfriend, I’ve kept the stories from today’s video bottled up inside for many years waiting for the appropriate time to spring them on you and tell you it’s over and to get out and take your stupid cat with you. Or, something.
Actually the vengeful part is going well, because the video was barely even live before it already got a thumbs down. Normally I don’t care about that stuff but I thought that was sort of hilarious. Like someone just saw the title and was like, No.
Today’s video is a short collection of some of my favorite celebrity run-ins. I’ve had some funny ones, and I can’t remember if I’ve told them to you Internet people or not. Like about the time I kicked Aaron Carter’s ass at foosball or Adam Levine spilled vodka on me. I mean, those seem like unusual things to happen.
So, enjoy my little stories! Unless you are that thumbs-down guy, or any subsequent thumbs-down guys, because obviously I have failed you.
Also there is a photo gallery of me and random famous people HERE.
Happy Newest of Years!
So, 2015 was pretty great. One might even say bitchin’. I got a dog named Riley who is sleeping on my feet and currently smells a little bit like old milk, which is weird, Kevin turned…3? 4? (who knows), and I didn’t get any diseases. That I know of. I guess the year isn’t technically over yet and things could still go bad.
In today’s video, I run down all the neat stuff that happened to me this year – not so much the important stuff, like, ‘time with a family that loves me’ and ‘a roof over my head’ but more along the lines of I started playing Rock Band on Expert. Which I would argue is more impressive in some cultures.
The one thing I didn’t talk about is New Year’s Resolutions. It’s a topic that you absolutely cannot approach in any way without everyone hating you. If you say, “YEAH! I’m gonna do a thing starting on the 1st, like lose weight and stop smoking weed in Chuck E. Cheese bathrooms!” then people will be like “You’re an IDIOT and resolutions are STUPID and you’ll NEVER keep them” and blah blah blah, super negative. Then there’s the subtly negative people who try to be inspiring, but instead come across as pompous jackholes. “Maybe instead of focusing on a New Years resolution, you should just focus on making good life decisions at all times.” Stfu. Seriously. Stop.
Look at that, even I’m hating on all of the hate of New Year’s Resolutions. I’ve added a whole new layer. I’ve removed myself from the Sarlacc stomach of hate to hate on it from above in my flying Sail Barge. That’s a Star Wars joke. I hear it’s topical.
So maybe we just wipe the slate clean and agree that everything in the whole world is stupid then proceed doing what we want. I want to make a New Year’s Resolution, probably for the first time, and you’ll never even guess what it is: It’s to HATE ON MOVIES LESS. Yeah. I’m that girl who will walk out of a movie and immediately rattle off the ten most unbelievable/ridiculous/pointless/idiotic/unnecessary parts of the film until your childlike smile fades into a disgruntled grimace. No. No more. I want to be able to walk out of a movie, shrug my shoulders, and say “Meh, a few plotholes sure, some cheesy dialogue, yeah, but that was a neat idea that someone came up with and a lot of people put time and effort into making it, so bravo.” Unless it’s an Alvin and the Chipmunks movie in which case it needs to go away IMMEDIATELY.
I just want to enjoy things more: tv, video games, movies, books. Being picky has never gotten me anywhere. I’ll take things at face value from now on, and if I didn’t like it, big friggin’ deal. Other people do, and good for them.
But enough talk! Here’s today’s video.
Super duper happy new year and let’s do great things this year!